At Home with the Malfoys Ep 2
by Kenneth P. Kinkle
Summary: Sequel to the cult first episode. Enjoy.


**At Home with the Malfoys – Episode 2**

_We open with Lucius walking into the second floor living room. He notices a piece of shit lying on the floor and goes mad! He see's Dobby the house elf._

**LUCIUS**  
Look at that fucking shit! Just look at it, go on get out of my fucking house

_Lucius chases Dobby to the window and picks him up._

**LUCIUS**  
You stupid fucking house elf

_Lucius throws dobby out of the window and we hear a yelp and a loud bang below. Narcissa's voice can be heard below, she is opening the front door._

**NARCISSA**  
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

_The camera focuses out of the window down below, Dobby lies on Narcissa's brand new Cadillac car_

**NARCISSA**

You better not have fucking landed and broke my new Cadillac, no you did not, NO YOU DID NOT!

_Narcissa grabs Dobby off of her now shattered-classed and dented Cadillac. She knees him on the head and then throws him at the wall._

**NARCISSA**

LLUUCCIIUUSS!!!

_The camera turns to Lucius_

**LUCIUS**

Uh-oh

_**OPENING CREDITS**_

_The camera is walking out of the living room into the entrance hall, there is some kind of commotion at Malfoy Manor_

**NARCISSA**

No Lucius, we have to take him to a therapist, his shitting around the fucking house is getting out of hand

_Narcissa glares at Dobby who whimpers and runs off into the utility room with a basket full of laundry._

**LUCIUS**

No Cissy, I am not paying for that little fuck-head to get therapy

_Narcissa sighs and walks outside, the camera follows her._

**NARCISSA**

I don't know why he is fucking acting like this; does he want the fucking elf to fucking shit all over the fucking house all of the fucking time? Ugh, I just don't know.

_Narcissa walks over to the pool area; Draco is in the pool doing laps. Narcissa spots a chance to have a mother-son conversation_

**NARCISSA**

So ugh Draco hunny, what are you doing.

_Draco stops swimming for a second and looks at her_

**DRACO**

I'm swimming, duh!

_Narcissa frowns_

**NARCISSA**

Don't you get cheeky with me young man!

**DRACO**

Tsh, whatever, look Mum, i'm not in the mood to have a Kodak moment here ok?

_Narcissa pulls a face that suggests she is extremely affronted and turns to the camera._

**NARCISSA**

I just don't know how he has the fucking nerve to do that; he must get it from his fucking drunken father.

_Cut scene to Lucius sitting in the living room with two empty bottles of Whiskey lying on the table and another half full bottle in his hand._

**LUCIUS**

You... ya kneoow that me I love her, she I know fucking love her

_Dobby enters the room, Lucius thinks it is Narcissa._

**LUCIUS**

Come 'ere you big boobed bitch, I wanna suck your nipply nipples kkk some nipps nipps.

_Dobby wimpers and tries to run past Lucius but too late, he grabs him_

**LUCIUS**

You know I wanna just love you don't you, you and me remember France... la parisien de love

_Lucius starts to caress Dobby like a lady. There is a cut scene to Narcissa sitting with a now dressed Draco in the car._

**NARCISSA**

We're just going to get Draco some new Quidditch supplies

_While Narcissa says this in the Driver's seat, in the passenger seat Draco mouths 'She is trying to bribe me, but i'm just doing it for the Quidditch stuff'_

_Cut scene to a few minutes later on the road, the camera is in the back seat crouching under the dented roof and trying not to get frost bite with all of the wind coming through the smashed windows._

**CAMERA MAN 1**

So Mrs. Malfoy are you planing on getting the car fixed.

**NARCISSA**

No, I think the fucking wind cuts down my thighs so that I end up slimmer

_The camera men and Draco sigh_

**NARCISSA**

What? Was it something I said?

_**COMMERCIAL BREAK**_

_**END COMMERCIAL BREAK**_

_The camera shows a dented Cadillac parked outside a huge Toy's OR' Us Wizarding store_

**NARCISSA**

So how much is this quidditch kit?

_Narcissa is talking to a shop assistant who is vaguely paying attention_

**SHOP ASSISTANT**

Err that will be 6 Galleons

**NARCISSA**

Erm, Excuse me?

_The shop assistant leans over the counter and speaks in a slow childish voice_

**SHOP ASSISTANT**

S-I-X G-A-L-L-E-O-N-S

**NARCISSA**

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, 6 FUCKING GALLEONS FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT

_Draco grabs his mother's arm_

**DRACO**

Ok Mum, that's it, let's go, you're embarrassing me

_Narcissa refuses and Draco steps back as if to pretend he doesn't know her_

**GIRL**

Umm, isn't that your Mum?

_The girl snorts a little_

**DRACO**

Umm no! Where the hell did you get that Idea

**GIRL**

Well umm maybe you shouldn't have said, 'Let's go mum you're embarrassing me'

_She snorts again_

**DRACO**

GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHO, SHE'S NOT MY FUCKING MOTHER!

_Meanwhile in the backround there is a crowd centred around Narcissa and the Shop assistant who were now pulling eachother's hair and calling eachother 'Slappers'_

_Another girl comes over to the girl beside Draco_

**GIRL 2**

Umm, you did not just say that to my friend! Did you?!?

_The second girl was much bigger than the first and looked fierce, but Draco spoke back non the less_

**DRACO**

Well "UMM" maybe if you would clear out the big statue-worth of wax from your dumbo ears, you would have heard me say it more clearly

**GIRL 2**

O ho ho, you did not just say that

**DRACO**

"O HO HO" I did!

_Suddenly the second girl thwacked Draco so hard on the face that he went flying across the room into a huge pyramid of Bardie Witch Doll's_

_Narcissa noticed and marched over to the second girl_

**NARCISSA**

You fucking slag, only I can get to hit my fucking son

_With that Narcissa slapped the girl on the face and suddenly she was in two fights at once, by this time Draco had gotten up and had started fighting with the second girl's boyfriend_

**BOYFRIEND**

You think you're fucking cool don't you?

**DRACO**

Spot on!

_Draco suddenly poked him with his wand and it broke miserably_

**DRACO**

Umm, whoops?

_Suddenly all five fighters were in one big brawl and the wizarding police had to be called in. The men came in with shields and asked them all to line up against the walls, everyone except Narcissa did what they were told._

**NARCISSA**

Oh shit, it's cops, RUN DRACO

_With this Narcissa ran for the door and when she got through, the alarms all went off, outside there were around 20 different Wizarding cops on police brooms circling the building, Narcissa ran for the fence as the police swooped down on her, she was halfway up the fence when all of the police managed to grab her from their brooms._

**NARCISSA**

... Oh bugger!

_**Cut scene to the police station interrogation room**_

**NARCISSA**

Look I told you she was ripping me off!

**POLICEMAN 1**

That's not what our fifty eyewitnesses say

_Narcissa frowned_

**NARCISSA**

Well what do _they _know, they weren't there!

_Narcissa sipped her glass of water as if it was a shot of brandy._

**NARCISSA**

Look, can I please just use the t-e-l-e-p-o-n-i-e to call my husband Lucius?

**POLICEMAN 1**

Ugh, very well!

_**BACK AT MALFOY MANOR**_

_The phone rings in the livingroom_

**LUCIUS**

Uhh, huh? What

_He wakes up to find he is lying in bed naked next to Dobby the house elf_

**LUCIUS**

Oh shit!

**End Credits**


End file.
